35. Meaningful Gita

I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt my throat dry up. I ran into the department to check my results myself. I fought my way into the rush. I checked and rechecked nothing changed.

I could feel all the moisture in my pharynx accumulate in my eyes. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I ran back to my room. Nothing crossed my thoughts other than the sight of the results sheet and Shantanu’s expression.

I skipped lunch. I am lying on my bed but I am not sleeping. I was a 9 pointer in both the first and the 2nd sems. But that doesn’t matter. As a matter of fact that never mattered. I never cared about my marks at any point in time.

All I did was just join the book pouring crowd around me during exams and nothing else. But this time it was not the same. I really wanted to be a 9 pointer.

I felt very guilty for letting him down. Divya’s words flashed again and again. I don’t know how I am going to face her. What I am going to tell her? What if she brings Shantanu’s name?

I am in the midst of a worst distress ever. After classes Anu and Sangi came back. They looked contented but I avoided looking at them.

“Hey you, why did you skip the afternoon classes?”

I remained silent out of lose of words. I never admitted failure, practically I never failed.

“Hey are you really serious about your results? Come on Elvia, the coolest who never cared about all that, is that you?”, Sangi made fun of me. Another tear dropped by.

Now they realized I am serious. They tried to soothe me but in vain. I couldn’t hear anyone. I never got up from my bed. They felt they would better leave me alone.

An unknown surge of anger. I don’t know on whom? or Why? May be, on me.

I didn’t go for dinner girls brought me some bread from mess and forced me into eating a couple of slices over which I felt barricaded at my vocal chords.

I could see Divya’s blinding silhouette in light from the tube light. My eyes are weak for a clear vision yet I know it’s her. I felt my blood freeze. She came near me.

“Heard you got an ‘S’ in algorithms. Great! Seniors told me that’s something superb”

My lips fumbled for words but couldn’t find any. Divya continued, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you looking like hell?”

“I.. I am sorry..” was all I could utter.

“Hey chill man, I know you did hell lot of preparations during the exams. I saw you bug yourself a lot. Must be bad luck. Chill it”

I now felt relieved of one thing, Divya but Shantanu? Divya was in my hostel during exams to see me study really hard but, how would Shantanu ever understand?

The next day after classes Shantanu came to me. I felt like making a flight and break loose from his sight. But I felt like completely broken at his sight. I couldn’t even make a step.

“Hi, anything wrong why didn’t you pick up my calls” sounding casual.

I felt more and more broke. Shantanu, “I am really sorry.. I let you down” the only thing I honestly felt from deep my heart at that moment.

“What non-sense, you are one of the 2 Ss in algorithms in the whole class, we have to celebrate it”

“But I am no more a 9 pointer”

“Damn the points you are always good infact great, marks can never evaluate someone”

I would have been vary happy and felt more comfortable if he had whomped me for my results but he did otherwise. This stressed me more like being crushed under metamorphic rocks.

I burst out. I couldn’t take it anymore. For the first time in my life I wept. I don’t remember weeping at any other point in my life. I till date feel so embarrassed of that incident.

I am crying in the middle of my classroom. Thankfully everyone else left the class. Shantanu standing before me lost for words. He felt more embarrassed than me. He even now used to make fun of me whenever we see someone cry in the movies.

I don’t remember for how long, somehow I collected myself and Shantanu felt so bad.

I finally said, "I really worked hard, I wanted to be a 9 pointer and make you proud.." dampening sob continued.

"That's the problem, you didn't enjoy it rather you did felt it hard"

I couldn't make out the meaning, he continued, "Do your duty don't expect the results is what Lord Krishna has said in Gita in fact most religions accept this philosophy. For all this time you loved what you did and you seldom cared the results"

I really felt the meaning in it. I understood the problem. I felt much better.

From then he never ever opened a word about my academics. Though I often used to update him on my marks. The astonishing thing is he always knew my marks, at times even before me.

Life went well. Even Chandra Pal's TOC paper these days didn’t scare me much. It’s an analytical paper and I never had problems with such stuff. I topped the class in the subject and things are now pretty well than ever.

But not now, I am running at heart bursting speed clutching salt in my hands.