37. 'I don't want to live anymore'

I dedicate this post to my 2nd and 3rd followers Pearl Frnd and Sadana.

Anu is fine now. She is a bit tired of vomiting yet she looked fine otherwise.

My toe is bleeding. I don’ remember where I got hurt. Only after the red color I felt the pain. The room is in grave silence. Anu sat like a dead doll leaning on the wall near the cot. Anger is fuming from every inch of my skin along with the sweat.

I am raging and turning red. After a momentary trough now my pulse rate rouse to a new crest out of anger. I got up and gave her a sharp slap. She collapsed on her bed sobbing.

Her tears suddenly melted my heart. For a second the garboil she put all the insides of me made me mad and forgot the pain she must have undergone. I sat near her.

I put my hands on her scalp and said, "I am sorry". She cuddled with her cheek on my lap. She silently continued sobbing. I continued to gently move my palms on her scalp comforting her.

I gave gentle taps on her back reassuringly. I didn’t ask her anything and she really was not in a position to tell me. Her sobs grew to a louder cry. I felt more uncomfortable I don’t want someone passing by our room to peep in or feel dubious after that suspicious sprint I took to save her all myself.

I tried to tell her to be silent but I couldn’t. I hugged her and tried to tell her to control herself. She tried to speak back but her weep overtook her words. She couldn’t speak.

The dull, dim atmosphere in the room is now disturbed by her cry. Her barf still lay at the centre of the room undisturbed. I tried in vain to comfort her. She finally collected herself a little and words came out as a broken stream.

“I loved… I.. why it all., happens to me..I don’t want to live.”

I silently tried to comfort her. Let her speak I listened, still holding her in my arms. She continued, “I lost my mom and then granny, I never felt being loved, I.. trusted him, I knew you don’t like him, but I was mad, I am fool” with this she cried more. This is more stressing, me helplessly failing to soothe her.

She repeated “I knew you don’t like him” she took a breath, “but you never told me to stop” this hurt me like being stabbed with a dagger right into my cardiac muscles.

After more than an hour of all this, she dried up of any more humidity in her eyes. She felt too weak with all the vomiting and weeping more than that the internal turmoil.

I finally ventured to ask her, “What happened? What did Kiran say?”

If only she had a bit more moisture in her tear glands she would have wept more, she replied gasping for breath and sucking the humidity in the air into her dried up throat, “We were sitting for lunch, Kiran left the table to enquire something to the receptionist. I just was playing with his mobile. He got a message ‘honey wru?’”

I tried to say something, but she continued, “I was a little annoyed that someone else called him like that, I ignored the message at first then I peeked into his ‘sent messages’ and he had sent a lot of messages to her, and the last one was, ‘hey I am going on a date with that chump don’t message me till afternoon’ was there I froze for a second.”

“I looked again into his inbox there was message from her ‘oh you still are fooling around with that poor girl?’ Kiran came from there looking at his mobile in my hands he hurriedly came near and grabbed the mobile from me.”

“I asked him who the girl is? He causally replied ‘Which girl?’, 'the girl who has messaged you', he remained silent. I lost my patience and yelled at him what’s going on he coolly said, 'she is just another friend to me like you’”

“'friend', 'like me' those words rang around me, after all that happened that bastard called me just a friend, and he said that he had another girl like me, I cried out, ‘Am I just a friend?’, ‘hey idiot stop yelling, ya friend ok, girl friend, what’s your problem?’ ‘You promised to marry me?’”

“he cursed me with obscene words, he insulted me in the middle of the restaurant and he said he had been paying me for all this time and said that’s why I had been hanging around with him, he had been treating me like a cheap prostitute for all this time, I really don’t want to live after all this…nobody wants me, nobody..”

“Hey idiot you should kill him for this rather than killing yourself, what did you think I would feel after losing you, have you ever thought of me a second”

“I am sorry Elvia, I know you are more than a mother for me, I know but I am fool, I am scum and I better don’t bother anyone anymore, that’s why I thought of killing myself”

I would have given her another slap but I understood, who knows her better than me, poor Anu lost her mother on her birth, her granny cursed her for killing her mother, her other grandma who is the only one who really loved her, passed away a few years back.

She always felt unwanted and unloved for all these years. The fateful life drove her into academics to keep her away from all the dreadful things around her. Only after kiran came in she felt happy. His episode was the only happy period in her life.

This time the loss of someone whom she felt would put an end to all her miseries and ignorance, almost killed her. She had been dreaming of a beautiful life with him. But now.

I always felt happy and satisfied at Anu being cheerful. That’s the reason why I never forbid her from meeting Kiran. At a point in time I started believing Kiran myself against my instincts about him. If only I had anticipated all this. This kiss of death would have never happened.

Thoughts reeled back to the tablets. After more than an hour she is perfectly well. I am convinced that there is nothing much to worry about those tablets anymore.

Now my mind started rummaging for answers to a set of killing questions, ‘whether anyone saw me running mad?’, ‘If so will they ask me why I did so?’, ‘What will I answer them?’, With all these thoughts I cleaned up the mess of the vomiting. Anu tried to help me I signed her to take rest.

That night as usual girls came to my room for the Saturday night show. None questioned anything about the sprint. I felt relieved. I never left Anu alone and tried to keep her cheerful. I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything.

Till next day night none asked anything about it. We almost forgot that incident. Just then our warden mam asked me during dinner, “Why were you running like being chased by a ghost?” My heart turned ice..


KLN said...

Thank you Elvia. It did go with my morning coffee :) I am just curious, in what way would the men that grandpa sent for, be of help, considering you girls are living in the hostel. I thought this question, would be answered in this post. But I guess the story is moving on beyond this point.

Elvia said...

@Lakshmi anna

Hehe the men sent by grandpa are to keep me calm. He must hav sent them, then after granny's thoughtful advice it goes without saying we managed without those men..

sri said...

gr8 elvia., ur story makes me to get into the evergreen memories inside th Anna Univ Campus .,

Elvia said...


Is that 'gr8' for sarcasm!!!

If that really is true thanks a lot:D

muthu said...

i actually not a fan of blogs. But after seen urs i bookmarked it . keep up the good work and don't stop writing .

Elvia said...


Thanks, hope I keep u contented with my writing...

Whiz Kid said...

nice justification for her action :)

Elvia said...


I badly wished that someone should say so :p

Nathan said...

As expected.

Thank God nothing worse happened.

More than death the incident if leaks out will create more of trouble to Anu than what has happened now. So girls be careful to keep this secret upto you two.

Srivatsan said...

I still dont know why guys cheat around with another girl and girl cheat around with another guy ,while telling so that they're in love with a guy/girl??Whats great or thrill in that?
Who knows, may be that girl messaging to kiran ,would be in restaurant with some other boy!:(

Elvia said...


May be coz they believe 'Two is better than one' :p

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